


crack one shots

by Die_tbh



Category: Epithet Erased, Kakegurui, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), call me kevin - Fandom
Genre: Crack Fic, Other, SO SORRY, That's it, i have come to curse this land, shitpost, stupid, uhhhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21864151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Die_tbh/pseuds/Die_tbh
Summary: We travel the multiverse and weird shit happens, that's it.
Relationships: Kevin O'Reilly/Giovanni Potage, Travis/Gargomon, travis/mary saotome
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. We join the Banzai Blasters

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Terrible fucking spelling and lots of swearing. Also characters may be ooc. And the grammar is very bad :) Enjoy reading, or don't.

"Wow what a nice shirt!" My friend Ari says as he examines the hawaiian patterened shirt.  
"yeah." i agreed.   
shrortly after the dootr was blown down by non other than giovanni potage, leader of the binzai blasterz.   
'hoy shit it's the soup man' i exxacalimes. Ari gasbed at the sight of him  
'what are u doing here' he asked   
the man laughed and grabbed the both of us by our throats and threw us into a van. i slammed into a bat with a knife and stabbed m y forehead  
"owuie i have a boo boo" i cried to ari  
"man up pussy" he said slapping me making the kinfe come out.   
"ok" i complied

then the van started to move as car crashdrove the van.  
'i wonder where we are going' i said.  
'don't care" replied ari. i nearly cried but remembered to man up.  
'we r going to his super base' replied a man who i was laing on.  
;'who are u????" i screamed hiding behind ari  
'i am dark star , membef of the bonxsai blasers!' he replied doing ana nime pose.  
'shut upo poser' replied ari

the man named sdark star creied and i comforted him. "iys ok dude we all learn to man up one day." i said . he stopped crying and we finally arrived.  
car crash tried to back up the car but it ended up crashing and we all fell on top of eachother  
'owcuh" i said 

giovanni opened the van doors and tok us ou with dark star helpigng him.  
"why r we here.' i asked the soup boi  
"U, my hostages, ARE HERE TO JOIN THE BUNSAI BLESTERS!:' he exlcaimed doinga super cool anime kawaai pose.  
;"woah, but why us" i ssasked.  
"well u see we neede dmore mebmbers so i can get paid and molly said she wanted friends and u guys were tghe clostest we can find' he expxlapined.  
'ok so?" ari sadi

"PLS JOIN WE DIDNT KJIDNAP U FOR NOTHING' he beegged.  
' fine ok," said ari i agreed as well because i lie being evil.  
"thank god, come on in new mebeerss!" giovanni said ehile pushing us into a camp site, ot was very small but kind of cool ig.  
we then werwe placed down on a couch with all the other members of the bunxzai blestars.  
:"are u guys the new mnebers?" asked spike. i nodded.  
'epic; hshe replied.

"welcome to the group tinee fellas.!:' exclaimed flamtehrouwer "three crherrs for the newboes!"  
"YEGHSUABS BJA" Evruones cheered for us. we were now eoffixcialy bonsai blasertds.


	2. Hyakkou Academy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Travis and Ari enter Hyakkou Academy, a school famous for it's gambling. What shenanigans will they get up to?

"I can't believe we got into hya- huya- hyea- u know what fuck it." i said  
"its hyakkou academy headass.' ari said  
"suck my left tit.' i replied before entirening the school, it was very big an spacious, lieke my asshole.i turned the corneer before smashing and falling staright onto my fat ass.  
"BITCH MOVE OUT THE FUCKINGW AY DUMBASS!" A voice yelled, i looked up to see a beaufiul blonde haired bitch, she was so kawayy deu nau OWO. I couldnt spotop starubg at her beautiful blond pigtails

"R U GONN A APLOAGOSE OR JUST STARE T ME LIKE A STUPID ASS BITCH!" she yelled again,  
"i am so sorry miss pls let me kiss the ends of ur feet goddess." i replied. she just stared at me then kicked me  
"ohhh noo." i yelled but i was happy she touched. me  
"don't even look my way peasant loser" she said before waolking away, i wonder what her name is.  
"r u ok travis?' asked ari who was now looking over me with two other ppl.  
"yeah, im actually feeling amazing rn" i replied taking his hand and getting up.  
"I can't ebleive mary would do such a thing !!" said the brunette boy who looked like Ari but older. mary... that was hr name.. ok... mary, i'll make u my gf, just wait...  
"r u ok dude u r spacin out?" asked the sma e man.

"yeah jus thingking... what r they doing." i point at two people gambli ng.  
"They are-"  
"THEY'RE GETTING THE GAMBLING FREAK ON!!" The girl said as she mlooked like she was orgasming,  
"pls don't mind Yumeko she gets turned on by gambling" the man said.  
'osor her name is yumeko? whpo r u.?" i asked.  
"I'm ryota suzui i'm yumekos side man." he said rubbing the bakc of his head.  
"eah ok we don't have time for this lets gamble." ari said turning to go gamble.  
"WAIT ARU!:" i yelled aout grabbing his shoulder.m he staired at me with ana nooyed face.  
"Let me gamble first to see how safe it is :)" i said . he complied releuctintly.  
"pls be careful travis-san!' ryota said, as yumeko s face turned hot as she saw me sit dowen at a table, on the opposite side was a whit ehaired woamn with braids in hoops.

"Hello ther im kirari momo bami, would you like to gamble with me?" she said, her voice was very sexy. Me and ari were baicalyy drooling but i snapped out of it when i saw a pigtailed woman glaring angruly.  
"Yes! how much we bet?" i asked  
"9.00000000 yen!" she yelled out, i alsmot faninted!! 9000000000 YEN?? I DON'T HAVW THAT MONEY!  
"Oh whats with that face? don't have that amount og money, you should just leave than." Kirari teased, i slammed my hands on the table and put my game face on. "bet" i saud grabbing my cards.  
"we r playing uno, whoever loses has to pay the other 90000000 yen." kirair said  
"SODN'T DO IT TRAVIS SAN!" yelled ryota wiorriedly but yimekon just sht his mouth up and looked at me with red eyes.  
"Do it travis, take the biggest risk in ur life evr AND FEEL THE GOOD FEELINGS!" She ye;leed. Ari just stared with a worried look.

(12 minutes later)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled slamming my head in defeat, the white haired woman laughed at me.  
"I won! Guess you'll have to pay me 900000 yen! Do u have that kind of money?" she asked. I looked up at her beautiful blue ees with tearied eyes.  
"N-no." i sniffled,  
"Oh! Well looks like u'll have to become a house pet!! AHHAHAH" She laughed maniacly as the whole room laughed as well, chantgig house pet. How did my life end up like this... i was always good at uno but she bested me.. at least she was beautiful. Then in came mary, the blond lady and she stared at me wide eyed when she saw me on the floor crying.

She ran past ryota, ari and yumeko and came to my side.  
"ARE U STUPID? HWY WOULD YOU BET THAT MUCH ON A GAMBLE?" She yelled at me,riduciuling me more, but it was ok, i loved her.  
"I-i couldn't say no..." i stared longingly into her blue eyes, she stared back. Then we started to make out violently in the middle of the floor.  
"awww" lkirari said looking at the deranged coupole.  
"omg! Travis has a gf!' ari exclaimed grabbing yumekos arm who seemed to be wuite busy drooling bu how intenste the ris was.  
"yes but now thet r a house pet :(" ryota said sadly.

"I do not care for being a house pet as Mary is hwere nby my side now" i said as i kissed her again.

everyone clapped, the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes i'm gay for Mary Saotome don't fucking @ me.


	3. CallMeKevin meets Giovanni Potage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what the title says mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only reason I wrote this is because Kevin hates soup and everytime he says it I always think about how he would react to Giovanni Potage since his epithet is soup. So that's what spawned this hell mine.

Call me kevin was walkin down the stret, he went indside a muesume called the sweet jazz muesum. It was very big with lots of anceint artifects. He was bout to wslk when all of a sudden a big buff man rushed beside him, knownnking him into the wall and making hm pass out.

5 hours lagter

Kevin wkes up to fnd that he is stuck!! indside the muesam!! oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gon wong not clickbait XDDD!!! he gets up and walks to the receptonist desk to find sa small child.  
"disgusting" he says as he punts the small kid,makin hef r smash thro the wall and DIE>.  
"ok good-" all of sudden wall blast in and boom!! a group of men who we re ckotghe the same d butsterd in. "feckon hell" kevin yelled.

"WE AR E THE BANZAI BLASTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The pnlu man who didnt ahve a helmit yelled, he pointed towards his minons. "we r the number one scary criminalz and we hbve come to ROB this museam!" he said with a smug grin. "wait where iz evryon?" the man said conufulzled. "we had a super epic endtrance and everything!" he fronwed. Then h e caught sight f the super pail man standing in wawe.   
"YOU!!" Giovani yelled at kevon, kiven pointed a finger towrds himself.  
"me?" he asked.   
"YES YOU U PAIL IRIASH MAN!" gio yelled, minions posing behind him.

"where is everon?" he asked. Kebvin shrugged.  
"i woke up and everyon w s as gone." kevion replied.  
"i-im still here" the small kid kevin punted meekly calle dout,, kevin turnesd ouround and threw his shoe sat the girl, making her get smashed into the wall agan.  
'"chuldren sare so disgusting" kevin said, giovanni agreed.  
"say fellow pale man, want to hoin the BUNZAI BLASERS!" he shouted doing n epic pse, minions followling.  
'yeah k" kevin replied.

Now they were all wondering down the hallwy tryong to find some treasusres.  
"i cant wait to steel stuff :)" ben said.  
'shur up ben the only reazon ppl arent here is bcause of u" flamethrowz replied. thety satrtred to argue.  
"MY BOYS! DTSOP!" Gio yelled before pointing towards the giant dynosaor bones. "lets take his bones" he said. Everyone nodded and got to epeelong the dinaosorus bones off. Kevon just stared qwistfully at the minons doing it.  
"s o u do crime huh?" kevwen aseked tehe man.  
'indeed!" giovanyu replied proudly,  
"so r u yhe leader of this cult?" kevin asked.   
"what?? cult?? no way, we are a crime orgonazition!" giovanni pointed towards his boys. "we r the best crimers in the world, no crimer has ever been better and thats a fact." 

"sad." kevon said as the boys finished peeling the dnosaor bones.   
"It's go time!!!!" giovanney said as they all started rushing down the hall, when aol of a sudden the little gurl and big buff guy who pushed kevi n showed up.  
"U R THE ONEWHO HURTTHIS LADY?" the buff man yelled pointging at kevin.  
"what?? me? no way i would never, she did ti to heself lmao." kevin replied, lying.  
"I CNANOT BELIEVE IV BEEN BETRAyED" he yelled as he pushed the young lady.  
'pleas ebelive eme Indus!" the girl shouted.  
"molly, i'm sorry but idk who to believe." indus said sadly, the light glistening on his TONED BOD>.  
"ATTACKK!!" giovanni yelled, his minon boys rushing over to attack Indus. Car crash and ben came running forth bef4 getting wiped out by a simple punch.   
"MY BOYS!!" GIovannu yesled in despais

Spike and crusher cam running forwards before a big object blocked theur pasth.  
"BARRIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Indus yelled, creating a barrier and smashong it forward, wiping out all the binxzai blasters.   
"NOoOOoO" Giovannu yelled out grabbing one f his boys. He cannot go on like this, he stood up and formed a big ball of steaming liquid and sht it at Indus, making him became blinded.  
"M E EYES!" Indus yelled stumbling back, sqashing Molly on his way out.  
"What was that???' keviion asked.   
"That my friend, was my souper cool epithet." giovanni ereplied. Kevin walked over to Mollys swuished body and touched the lougued, he put uit to his mouth.  
No... it couldn't be... it was... S O U P!

Soup was kevins mortal enemy, he hated soup with a passion, soup hjad murdered his fmamluy in cold blood, or well, hot blood. He had vowed to get revenge on soup and now his cult ish friend had betrayed him. He almsot wanted to ilkill him staright away but decided against it.  
"I have to go." kevon said in a noir tone.  
'what why?" giovanni asked, kevin just put his hand up and turned away.  
"we can't be friends sorry" he said, giovanni was gonna say something but keven ran away before he could.

"damn..." giovaney said as he kind of just sat on the floor sadly.


	4. Can't nobody hold me hostage!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I get held hostage but Giovanni saves me

"ight chief put ur hands up." sai d my captopr.  
'no.' i said.  
"so u have chosen death?" hereploed bringuing up his ak-47 and going to sioot me when all of a sudden.  
"IT IS I, GIOVANNI POTAGE." giovanni yelled crashing ino the abandoned mini mar t i was being held hostage in. He drop kicked the evil man ad then burned him with his S O U P. i was so ppaled i nearly passed ot butg giovni slaped me to mkae sure i didn't.

""Boss ho did u find me?" i asked confussed.  
"simnple i just tasted ur foot prints and it lesd me here." he replied nonchalantly  
'what'  
"what"

lall of a sudden the OTHER wall blasted open and there stood none other than bad gusy GIRULFRIEND!!  
"IM HERE TO AVENGER MY BOYRFRUEND MOTEJHRFUCKER!!!!" She eytelled and puleld out gun shooting gio in the shoulder  
"OWUCH NOT FAIR>" he yeled and shot soup at her, she dodged gracefully, acoifing the soup but then bandging stright into the desk nectxt to her. Giovanni too this dvantace and shot soup at her once again, mking her yell i n pain.  
"NO ONE IS MORE BAD GUY THAN ME!!!" he yelled in triumph, doing a vctiory dance.  
"boss uhhh-" i tried to warn him but the girl shot up and kicked his bakc in making him fly into the fridges that were filled with frozen (probably expired) pizzas, mking it smash and cover gio.

"I'M THE BADDEST BITCH THERE EVER WAS!!" she yelled thn she turned to me.  
"finally, our rpirime tsargert. U are coming with eme" she said as she reached her hands out to me.  
"Eat shit bruh." i said punching her square on her huge schnoz. She yelped and stumbled back, tripping on her bfs dead(?) body and falling flat on her ass.  
"argargargagag suck on that." i laughed before realoising my mistake, sje thna cockerd her gun out and shot me on my leg,  
"AOUHC U COCKSUCKER!!" I screamed in agony as i grabbed my leg,  
"who u calling cocksucker >:(" she went to go shoot again when she felt a presence begingd her.

"*teleports behind you* you thought i was dead? u guessed wrong FAKER." HE yelled and slammed his sould slugger doom bat into her, it was also his 13th hit so it sent her flying through the gabing wall in the hole and she slammed into a car, setting off the car alarm.   
"Shit." he muttered unde rhis soupy breatjh,. "we should get-a going." he said, hoisyerning me up.  
"yeah." uia agreed as we sprinted out of the mini mart.

[sometime later or whatever]

"looks like a break in happened here and the suspects thought they could get away but alas, they left one thing behind." The cop figure rambled. They dipped their finger into the sligjtly warm red liquid and brought it to their mouth. "Soup..." They said "Of course." 

They walked out and wrote something down in their notepad.  
'Suspect: Giovanni Potage.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder who that cop could be *COUGH COUGH*


	5. Kevin x Giovanni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giovanni and Call Me Kevin date but it doesn't go well :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this isn't that good, I wasn't very inspired.

Very sad :(((

kevan loked at his sboyfrien. they ad been dating for 5 iminutes it was going good so well.  
"i am havong a good time:)' giervanni said  
"didn't ask" kevin responded. they both just lauged it off.   
"i hav an idea." giorvenni said  
'what'?  
"lets go to athe mall :3"   
"ok

then the boufs went to the mall, the slid down the escolatrs geting security called on them .  
"OH FECK NOT AGAIN!!" kevon yelled as he suamurai kicked one of the bodu guards. "AGAIN?" GiOrnno questioned as he dripe ckikcked a body guraad. They went slaming into another making a huge hole in the wall. "WE HSOUDL RUN!" Giobranna yelled. "k" kevon rellied.  
They beefed it dfown the halls, 50 huge henchman tumbling henidb like a darude sandtsomr!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!  
"WHAT THE FUCK WHER DID THEY COME FROM" GRIVAOON YELLE AS HE RAN AS FAST AS HIS THIN TOIOTHPICK LEGS COULD TALKE HIM.  
"IDK" EVON REPLIED.

they turned the cornwer adn lcoesed the cddoor behinf them making the body guards slam against it and now tey don't know whre it they are. "Wehew we got rid of them !!" goeronno sighed as he swiped soipu sweat off is head, i landed in kavnes mmmouth.  
"Is this soup :(" kevon asked.  
"yeh wy?" guironna asked qith a questionable tone.  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THE 10 MINUTES WE'VE BEEN DATING AND U'VE DECEIVED ME??? IM BRAKING U _PP WITH YOU!!" Kevin yelled angrultbtears streaming down his face., is black emo mascara running down.  
"baby im so sorry :(" girona saud "but idk what i did wrong" he askd  
"U MADE SOUQP!! SOUP IS M ENERY" H Projectile cried so hard it broke the cfloor like midoriya in that one fuicing anime crybaby headass.  
"... I....." gorononouu sllooked down in shame "i am he soup man"

"....NO!!!!!" evian died right there on tge spoy of a heart attac. te man he loved for 11 minuets was the one who killed his own family.   
"NOOO BABY NOO DON'T DIE!!" GORNIO SCREAMIED AND CRUIED. "I CAN'Y LIVE WITHOUT YU AAAAAAAAAA" he suped hus own face SOUO!!

now they both died :( eat soup if ssad


	6. Gargomon x Travis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gargomon was some dumb idiot who thought an animal had a race and I decided to annoy him by making him my bf on twitter but then he blocked me. However I did get inspired to write this, so Gargomon if ur reading, choke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Very suggestive. No actual smut just dumb sex jokes or whatever.

I slammed my phat tidies aginst the door as i sobed.  
"BABY JUST TALK TO ME" I scremd at the door or... mor at da person pbeihind the door. my boyfriend Gargomon.... he was never talk to me and now he not even look at me and im gonna piss myself. we got into argument over whether or not black people had righst. HE SAID PINK LIVED MATTER MORE SO I HA D TO TALK SESNSE INTO HIS TODDLER BRAIN!!

Now he has blcoked me fro his life and i am sprialling into a dep deprsion.  
"baby u know why i had to d this, ur dumb as fuck yo need me to knock some sense into that fat fucking skull of urs baby please" i scremd as a slammed my tiddied seven harder against te wooden minecraft door. He stil didn;t respond. I turnd my back to the door and slid onto my fat ass botty cheeks (which made a huge clap sound not to brag or anything).

"Gargomon.... ur names sounds like Gargamel from the smurfs,... that really gets my piss hard u know." i whispered ito myself quitelt. "Gargomon baby if u don't answe r ill have to break in thre we cant keepin g doing this." i said alod. no response, he never fcucking responds that stupid fucking cuck ass bitch. i still am hopelessly a simp for him howeve.  
"jst dont be mastuerobading or else ill spank ya dirty boy" i said as i satrted to ram my ass into te door tring to break it ipen.

"PLEASE GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE YOU STRANGER" Gargomon yelled in fer. Omg! he spoke to me fainally, what a weird way to say come in honey tghp...  
"Don't wry honey im coming and in more ways then one if uo play ur cards wright" i winked to the camera like ti ws on the office.  
"BITCH I SAID GET OUT WHO EVEN ARE YOU" he cscreamed like a cat in a blendr.  
I shrgged and kicked the door down with my stink feet. "ello fuckboy ;))))"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" I deckd im in the fac befor he could screm even more. he slammed into the cabinet corner and broe his fucking neck omg hes belleedting everywhre.

"HOENY ONG !!! I WM NMS NA B SORYYR !! I DIDNT MEAN TO PUNISH U SO HARD?!>!?!?" i scremd as i cried and grabed his now dead bdy. he smelt like hes never showerd a day. "fuckin virgin i had my pussy read adn all and u fucking die fuck yo y uvking cuck simp ass bitch men ant shit." I ranted as his dead bod slowly slid away fro me me.  
"WHTF HWRRE DID HE GO??!!!" i scremd when i relazued Gargomon as dissapeard.  
"bye bye cruel world" i said as i crabbed some nderwear of his and snifded it. I died instantly.

Bad end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry its so short i haven't been able to write at all recently.


	7. WAP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Krabs teaches Spongebob how to do the WAP.

"argaggagagaga that is wrong me boy, that is not how you do the wap." mr krabs told his son Spionge bob swuqare pants. 

"then how do i do it mr krabs??????" he asked 

"like this me boy" mr krabs said as he took the stage. lights going off as a lnew brght white spotlight appeared on mr krabs. he was now wararing a black latex suit as his krabby cheeks were greatly defined . soo n enoigh he started to drop it low , hids cheeks clapping to the beatg.  
spiongebob looked at huim wtith wide eys,, aamaziemen? or scared? who knows.

"now ur messing with some wet ass krussy argggagagaga" mr krabs sung as pennies flew from everywhere, slamming into his hard krusty shell. now there was a crowd of fish around who were cheaering the old ass boomer on as he worked that krussy like his life depended on it.

soon enough the song endied and everyone letft leavung spongebob, mr krabs and patrick.

"Patrick when did u get here????" spongedboob asked

"cant let some godod ol krussy go to waste>" he replied as mr rabs was now back in his noamral work outfit 

:argaggagagaggaga now that is a man with tastes, now do it like i did me boy" mr krabs said. Spongebob gpt on the stage, wearing his goofy bgoober rock outfit. he made it drop as patrick joined ihim with his heels. they were getting te he hang os this wap

"make it drop from the top thats that wet ass krussy." the syand together as mr krabs claped his butcgeesk in approval. the song then ended and they both bowed and mr krabs let out a meaty clap.

"Well done me boys, yur getting a preomtotin spongeyboy." mr krabs statted as spongebob cheered as patcirk fell on the floor asleep tired frpm wapping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I made this.


End file.
